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Scrambled Eggs for Scrambled Brains

Posted by Elisa Taub
Scrambled Eggs for Scrambled Brains

by J.J. Jamieson

One of my many personal failings includes my unfamiliarity with that room in the house with all the posts and pans, the one with that thingie that heats up food, ya know, it's where the cereal is, what's it called again? I'm blanking...Oh yeah, the kitchen.

You can take the man out of the bachelor's life, but you can't always take the bachelor out of the man. When I was single I moved into an apartment mainly because of its proximity to Shakey's, Pizza Hut and Fat Burger. I used the oven as a place to stash my rollerblades.

But you can't eat out or order in every meal when you've got kids, especially triplets. So I was forced to familiarize myself with that dreaded room.

Of course, I feel my predisposition for disparagement is completely justified, since the whole business of cooking baffles me. "Come on," I've heard people say, "it's as easy as boiling an egg." Really? Well, what size pot do you use? Is it better to fill it with warm, cold or hot water? Boil the water first and then put in the egg, or put the egg in first, then start boiling? How long do you leave it boiling? Are we supposed to cover the pot with one of those metal Frisbee thingies? And exactly what kind of egg are we supposed to use: a, AA, AAA? Free range? Cage free? And what the heck is the difference? Et cetera, et cetera, etcetera?

Believe me, I know how pathetic this sounds; my wife reminds me daily. so, I eventually did learn to cook something in that room, and on the assumption that there are other lame fathers out there, who realize you can't give your kid Frosted Pop Tarts exclusively before kissing them good-by on your way to work, I humbly submit "Scrambled Eggs for Scrambled Brains."

INGREDIENTS

5 eggs
5 oz. of milk
salt
grated cheese
5 frozen sausage links
1/8 onion
1-1/2 mushrooms
8/11 green or red pepper
Lucky Charms cereal

INSTRUCTIONS

First, have triplets. They may be of any shape, size, color or variety, but they must be cute, and they must make you sleep-deprived. Next, wait 3-4 years. Then, grill 5 frozen sausages (just read the directions) on the stove while you prep the eggs; this effectively greases the pan.

While occasionally rolling the sausage links, put the 5 eggs (without shells) in a mixing bowl. Add a healthy splash of milk, and 8 shakes of salt. Mix with one of those whisk-thingies, until it looks like orange juice. DO NOT DRINK; it is NOT orange juice, no matter HOW tired you are.

Next, tell your daughter to stop teasing her brothers about how she's older, albeit by 60 seconds. Then, chop up your added ingredients: mushrooms, onions, peppers. Dump them all in the bowl with your orange juice. I mean the eggs. Then take a small handful of grated cheese, and dump the cheese in the bowl with the other stuff. At this point, start worrying if you remembered to wash your hands - then tell yourself that the heat from the stove will assuredly kill any germs. Right?

By now, your sausage links will be done, or quite possibly burnt. If edible, take them out of the pan, but DO NOT USE YOUR FINGERS. Toss - um I mean, serve three links to your triplets. Pour the contents of the bowl into the still heated pan. Stir regularly, slowly (medium-low temp). Intermittently, tell one son to stop rocking in his chair, and the other son to stop sticking toast on his forehead.

Now here's my favorite part: chop up the two remaining sausage links and mix them in with your scrambled eggs. Continue stirring occasionally until you wife says, "STOP already, they're DONE!" Serve. Pat yourself on the back. Leave the kitchen and hope someone else cleans up.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If your eggs taste like soggy scorched linoleum, serve everyone, including yourself, Lucky Charms. They are, after all, magically delicious.

J.J. Jamieson is a writer and producer in Hollywood. He lives with his wife and three children in Santa Monica, California, and is a regular contributor to momready.