As the old saying goes, "There are two sides to every story."  In this new monthly column, Julie and Mark Stubington, a married couple with three children, will face off on common household issues.  


ISSUE:
Who should get up in the middle of the night when the baby cries - mom or dad?


JULIE SAYS:   
It is 2:00 a.m. and you are sleeping soundly.   All of a sudden you hear it - the baby's dreaded cry.  My instinct is to jump up and run.  Sometimes I wait and the crying subsides.  Sometimes it doesn't  and I go to check in on the baby.  Either way, I am wide awake in the middle of the night.  Hurray!  (sarcasm intended), I get to watch hours of late night basic-cable infomercials about diet products or reruns of "Mama's House."
 
I look over to my side and see my darling husband sound asleep.  Actually, strike that.  I see him doing his best impersonation of a sleeping person.  Despite his efforts at an Oscar winning performance, subtle clues let me know that he just may be faking it.  Is it the pillow pulled tightly over his head that gives him away?  Is it the fact that the decible level of his snoring increases each time the baby cries?  (Believe you me, he does snore when he is actually asleep and that WILL BE the subject of a future article.)
 
And if he is in fact asleep (as we lawyers say, that assumes facts not in evidence), why is it that nothing ever wakes him?  Trust me, he has no problem waking up at 5:00 am to go to the gym or staying up late to watch his beloved Lakers play a basketball game.  Yet, whenever the baby cries, he has some uncanny ability to tune out the noise and seemingly sleep like a - you guessed it - baby. 
 
So, this brings us to the question of who should be getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby.  The answer is easy - it should be equal.  I did not have this baby in a vacuum.  Mark did have something to do with it.  Thus, on principle alone, he should share in the night time work. 
 
But we mothers know that it goes beyond mere principle.  I fully appreciate that my darling husband works hard during the day and needs his 14 hours of sleep (or so it seems) to be effective.  However, despite what our husbands believe, rearing children can be as exhausting and taxing as working in an office. 

And have I mentioned that we have 3 children ages 6, 3 and 5 months.  Thus, on any given weekday, I will care for the baby, drive the older kids to and from school, clean up after all of them, check our eldest child's homework, etc., etc.  These tasks are part and parcel of having children and I would not change those responsibilities for anything in the world.  However, the simple fact is that they require energy and I simply do not have an inexhaustible reservoir of it.  Yes Mark, I need sleep too.
 
On that note, Mark, it is time to wake up from your weekend nap and answer the question.


MARK SAYS:  
Let's be honest. I'm a condemned man before I write a single word.  This is not "momsappreciateallthatdadsdo.com."  This is MOMREADY.com.  I have foolishly wandered behind enemy lines (and I use the term "enemy" with love) and I am a goner.  Now that I have whined sufficiently, and since I am a guy, I say bring it on.

Knowing my audience, of course my first response will be that waking up in the middle of the night and caring for the baby is a joy that should be shared equally between loving partners.  Of course, I respect and appreciate that Julie cares for our children during the day.  Of course, I understand that a mother's job is very difficult and that raising children is a demanding task.  And blah, blah, blah, blah...

Assuming that I have said enough correct things to keep me off the couch for a week, the answer is that it depends on the context and variables at play.  I work full time.  Julie does not.  We are also lucky enough to have someone assist Julie with child care three days a week.  So here is how I see it.  

(1)    The first question is how tired is Julie?  If she really is exhausted, then regardless of any other factors, it is reasonable that I get up with the baby.  Needless to say, I don't want her mistakenly feeding Alpo to the baby because of sleep deprivation.  

(2)    If Julie is not exhausted, the second question is does she have child care assistance the next day? If so, I think it is reasonable that Julie gets up with the baby.  Regardless of what she says, she CAN take a nap the next day.  

(3)    If Julie is not exhausted, the third question is do I have to work the next day?  If so, and if the baby wakes up on a night preceding a work day, I think it is reasonable that Julie gets up with the baby.

Doesn't that seem simple enough?  There is no nefarious plan here.  You just apply the above factors and take action (or non-action as the case may be).  

Now truth be told, God has blessed me with an incredible capacity to sleep through almost any noise.  I can sleep anywhere (and have) through any noise (again, I have).  On the occasions that I do wake up and take care of the baby, it is because Julie's elbow has found a perfect spot between two vertebrae in my lumbar region (I'm glad to see that her visits to the gym are paying off).  She continues to allege that I hear the baby and refuse to get up.  The truth is I just do not hear him.  Really.  No, really really.  

So those are the views of a condemned man and I am sticking to them.  Now that I have said my peace, please give me my last meal and walk me down the Green Mile.



Julie and Mark Stubington have been married for 8 years and have 3 children.  They are lawyers by profession, and live in Southern California.  

©istockphoto/Dario Diament